Self-Compassion: A Practice of Being Kind To Yourself

How do you talk to yourself when things aren’t going your way?

When you are broken up with? Rejected from a job you really wanted? Miss the bus and are late to an important meeting?

I imagine that for many of you, the thought that immediately follows is something like “I’m not good enough” or “if I just worked harder, I would get it”. What would it be like if instead of berating ourselves with negative self-talk, we chose to be kind to ourselves? What would it mean to show ourselves some compassion?

Self-compassion means being gentle, kind and understanding with yourself; accepting that you are not perfect; and understanding that there is potential for learning and growth in every mistake you make (Neff, 2003). Through this lens, we are able to transform mistakes and shortcoming from leading to shame and guilt, to instead leading to self-acceptance, understanding, and healing. 

Many of my clients have shared the fear that if they show compassion toward themselves, they will “go off the deep end” and into a place of apathy. This lends to the notion that being cruel to ourselves “keeps us in check”. We believe that if we punish ourselves for our wrongdoing, we will do better next time. However, research has shown quite the opposite. People who practice self-compassion are more likely to find opportunity for improvement in mistakes and short-comings. Self-compassion correlates strongly with life satisfaction, emotional intelligence, and social connectedness (Germer, 2009). 

In order to practice self-compassion, it’s important to understand what it is, and what it is not. Dr. Kristin Neff, renowned self-compassion researcher, has identified three main elements of self-compassion.

First, it is developing kindness toward ourselves while being mindful of our own negative self-assessment or judgments.

Second, it is seeing our common humanity, and recognizing that we are not alone. When we speak negatively toward ourselves, we often further this feeling of isolation rather than connection.

Third, it is practicing mindfulness to create distance from ourselves and our thoughts. We must recognize that we are not our thoughts, and that our thoughts are not absolute truths. 

Simple Practices to engage in Self-Compassion

• Be kind to yourself 

  • Separate your self-worth from your accomplishments. Understand that your value and worth is not measured by the work that you complete. Put a post-it note on your mirror or set the background on your phone to a message that reminds you of your inherent value and worth.  

  • Write out a list of all of the things that you like about yourself - anything from physical features to aspects of your character. What would your best friend say about you? What is the best compliment you have ever received? What makes you feel good?

  • Engage in self-care practices to show your mind and body love. Take a deep breath, practice yoga, take a long shower or bath, enjoy your favorite dessert.

• Practice Gratitude

  • Rather than wishing that things were different, or thinking about how they could be, appreciate what you have now. Write in a gratitude journal or write a letter to a friend thanking them for being in your life. Identify three things that have gone well in your day so far. 

• Listen to your body

  • Identify how you feel. Sit in a quiet space, close your eyes, and draw attention to any points of tension in the body, as well as anything that feels good.  

  • Ask “what do I need in this moment?”, sit quietly and allow your body to give you the answer. 

  • Respond to what your body needs rather than what you think it “should” need”. Choose to take a night off from exercise if you need to rest. Ask for a hug from a loved one. 

• Loving kindness meditation

  • Come to a comfortable seat. Close your eyes, and draw one hand to your heart, and one hand to your belly. Take three slow, deep breaths. Repeat the following:

    • May I be safe

    • May I be happy

    • May I be healthy

    • May I life with ease

  • Repeat as many times as you would like. Open your eyes and complete the practice when you feel ready.

When we invite space for self-compassion, we allow ourselves to accept our shortcomings, acknowledge our worth, and grow from adversity. The next time that you are faced with a setback, I invite you to pause, breathe, and say something kind to yourself. You are not perfect, and you are likely doing just fine. 

Source: The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher K. Germer, PhD

              Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself By Kristin Neff